The 10 biggest lies as told by Hoomans:
1. I will be right back
What does that even mean? What measure of time is RIGHT???
Are we talking five minutes real time? Five minutes football time? Or five minutes shopping time???? It is never OK to leave me for ANY time. If I have abandonment issues, it is because I have no real idea what to believe.
Remember when you said you would be right back and you disappeared for days and days and days????? And then you say you will be right back and you actually go to the garage and then come back in. You never actually tell me the truth!
And no. Telling me you will be right back, is not right, specially when you are going out to dinner with the daddy. Or going on some stupid cruise. Or going off to some stupid hospital where you allow them to break you. We all know who ends up taking care of you when you finally come home... and I am sick of it!
2. this is for your own good
This garbage statement is the kiss of death. It is the BIG lie. Nothing that is done after that is for MY good, It is for your good, maybe. But the fact that you have to even say it tells me that you need to lie to yourself to actually do it. So... your conscience must still be working, How about with never doing to me anything you have to proffer with... "for your own good"?
3. this won't hurt at all
How about that lie? How many times have you heard it? And what universe do you come from that having a cold hard stick shoved in your tush does not hurt at all??? You want to know what my temperature is? ASK me... "Are you hot?" I will tell you. And where does having a needle stuck into you does NOT ever hurt? Or having a pill shoved down your throat feel good?
And the countless other situations you apply this lie to???... Yes, momma, getting my nails clipped or my ears plucked DOES hurt. But then, I am so much younger that my nerves are very sensitive and maybe you are measuring my response by your old worn out... desensitized nerves.
4. I am doing this for you
See #2 It never gets old does it?
5. I say no because I love you
LIE! You say no because it makes you feel powerful. Telling me no somehow gives you that rush. If you really loved me, you would not get to the point of having to say NO to me on anything. There is no real reason to have chocolate in OUR house. I mean, I like a dead bird once in a while, but I love you enough not to bring one in the house. I love you enough not to ever want to say no to you. Love us enough not to ever bring caca into our home that would kills us.
6. grooming will make you feel better and look better
The truth... my being groomed and fluffed out, somehow plays into your ego.
You want everyone to know that you take care of me. And in your sick hooman mind, my being groomed is evidence of you caring for me.
Fine, I concede that being clean and not all matted is good, but honey momma, you carry that obsession to a whole new level. For the record, you wiping my face with a tissue at every opportunity ONLY MAKES YOU feel better.
7. you won't need those
Every male dog wanted me to throw that one in. I would like to know how hoomans know what we will need??? And I have some strange memory of waking up feeling different. What did you take from me? It is almost like being abducted by aliens... you know what I mean?
8. we have to replace that
NO we don't! It took me months of hard work to get my toy to look and feel and smell right. And now that it does, you come along with your OCD insanity and STEAL it from me and inform me that it needs to be replaced. LIAR. I just know, that somewhere deep io your closet you have a secret stash of all my perfect toys and chewies that you have stolen from me .
NOTHING needs to be replaced, except your obsession!
9. I have no idea where your old chewie is
See #8 We are all sure you lie. You know. We know you know. Now give it up.
Where are our old chewies????
10. we can't go for a walk right now, because....
There is only one true answer to this ...YOU ARE LAZY!. Everything else is manufactured lie. Nuff said.