Willie Bean Roscoe P. Coltrane, a 7-year-old yellow Labrador retriever is running for mayor of Fairhope, Ala.
Willie, I know you must be besieged by mail at this point. However, may I offer a few suggestions for your campaign platform?
1. Remind the voters that YOU CAN'T screw it up any more than any 2 legged already has.
2. There is nothing to "vett" in your past, as you have already disclosed your potential attraction to bitches.
3. You have no closeted habits... no drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc.
4. Your pay expectations are well within budgetary constraints.
5. You bring fresh ideas and you actually class up the running field as you have never been under investigation, criminal or otherwise, nor have you ever been indicted.
Now for suggestions on your actual platform:
1. ABOLISH puppy mills. "regulations are useless". So long as we domesticated 4leggeds are considered "livestock" [What pray tell do I have in common with a cow?????] regulations are USELESS. ABOLISH ABOLISH ABOLISH...breeding for cash- Make it illegal to traffic in dogs!
2. Pave the way Willie, be bold. Gice us 4 legged voting powers! Really. I mean it is not like many 2 legged voters have that much more brain power than we have...
3. Consider a cute, white, fluffy, curly younger running mate from VA ... She could do a lot for your campaign appeal! [I am available with proper incentives]
Wils, baby, just so you know, in 2004, Rabbit Hash, Ky., elected Junior Cochran, a black Lab, as mayor. He was the second 4legged to be elected to lead the small Northern Kentucky town. It says so on the town's Web site. The first was Goofy Borneman. So there is precedent!
keeping my eye on you