Sunday, July 13, 2008

existential POTENTIAL dilemma

When I am not raging and perseverating on revenge issues, I find myself questioning my own judgment and my stupidity(?). Why was it wrong to trust JD and Wendy? Was I so stupid?
I guess I am looking at trust as I understand it and trying to understand what trust is. Does the fact that JD and Wendy set me up mean they don't care about me? I my universe trust begets reliance and viceversa. If I cannot trust I cannot rely. I am, after all, a pack animal. My survival depends on that trust and reliance on my pack. So, trust is more than lubricant in social contract, it is essential in my universe.
Did they do this because they don't care about me? Am I not part of the pack? And if they did this because they don't care about me... would the best revenge be indifference? Is that reasonable? I guess beyond embarrassment there is that emotional pain issue. Maybe I am being too much of an emotional scar picker, but hey I want to know that this incident does not mean they do not love me.
I know, heavy thoughts for a Sunday morning. I need more cappuccino foam from momma. RENT is playing on the BOSE, so I am half listening and thinking....
I am thinker. I have resolved a couple of issues:
JD must care about me because he took a lot of time to plot, plan and set me up. Indifference would not have required plan. So he must care.
Wendy must care as well because she participated. SO they both LOVE ME!
They care and they trust that I care enough that this will not change our basic relationship.
Ok, my revenge must exploit that love, that sense of pack security. I am smiling. Suddenly it is all so clear. So simple... sooooo delicious. Muaaaaaahhhh
'existentially resolved

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