Thursday, August 28, 2008

An open letter to the squirrel community

Dear Squirrels,

I don't want to fight anymore. It's exhausting and I have a new enemy who is more evil than you can imagine. I think it's a cat, because I said, "Hey what are you?" and it did whatever it felt like doing and ignored me. It made a lot of noise and all it does all day is eat and sleep, so I'm pretty sure it's a cat. But it's flat. I think it's a frisbee cat.

Well, Mr. and Ms. Squirrel, if you think this is the worst of it, hold on to your chewys (or whatever you tree rats chew on if not chewys). This thing eats a lot more than you or me. It goes over every inch of the floor and eats up all the little pieces of food I was saving for later. I said, "HEY! I'M GONNA EAT THAT YOU FRISBEE CAT!" But it just kept purring and eating my food. It's only a matter of time before it learns to climb trees...

I didn't want to have to show you this, but if you're on the fence (figuratively, not literally like you macadamia moles like to do), it dropped this note:

If you can't tell, that's a very very well-drawn picture of you crossed out, and the instructions that it wants to kill and eat you. That's what the frisbee cat wrote, not me. You can tell I didn't write that because I can spell squirrel, and also I don't have a red marker anymore since the frisbee cat took it. So I definitely didn't write it, it was the frisbee cat.

I hope you make the right decision and form a truce, but if not, can I have the grapes after you're frisbee food?

olive branches don't taste anything like olives,

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