I took a lot at the calendar. yikes.... Halloween. You know what that means??? It means we are about to be trussed, stuffed, corseted, poured into, strapped, hooked, velcroed, tied into... or zipped up in some awful outfit that will itch, rub, or chafe. All in the name of Halloween. I get queasy thinking about last year. No, queasy is a gross understatement. Literally, last year I died and not in a Rachel Zoe good way. Last year the woman got the bright idea to dress us as pigs. Yes, pigs. Don't get me started. Her outfit as the big bad wolf was supposed to ameliorate the fact that the 3 of us were in pig suits. Trust me on this... IT DID NOT.
Aside from the obvious embarrassment and discomfort, do you have any idea how many "Sooooe" we had to listen to? Or how many times we were asked if we were "Kosher piglets", or how much finger pointing we suffered? Or even worst, being told that we looked good enough to BBQ. I know. My therapy bill is going to be astronomical. I mean, we live in VA, very close to North Carolina. There is a BBQ place every 10 feet around here! Oh wait there is more.
I had repressed it so deep, it was almost forgotten. Shuddering here. My dad. He has "joke." He inflicts it on us from time to time, but at the height of pig fashion [last Halloween] that joke got more play than Beyonce's Put a Ring on It.
Really? You really want to hear the "joke"??? Shaking my head. It is not funny. It is sick, twisted and completely weird. Fine here it is:
Man walks into a bar with a 3 legged pig. Sits down and orders two drinks. One for him one for the pig. Bartender tells him that while he would be glad to serve him, bar policy states that they don't serve pigs. The man looks perplex and proceeds to tell the bartender that the pig is a very special pig. The pig is a hero pig. He saved the entire family from certain death in a house fire. Pulled them out one by one and even went back for the cat. The pig is also a hero because he performed CPR on one of the fireman who was injured while putting the fire out. The pig is also a hero because he smelled the gas which was leaking from a pipe, after the fire, and warned everyone, so that an explosion which would have wiped out the whole city block was averted.This pig should be served, because this pig is a hero. Bartender listened fascinated. Relented and started to pour a drink for the pig. As he was pouring he asked. "Is that how the pig lost his leg? Doing a heroic act?" "No, but a pig this good, you don't eat
all at once".
all at once".
No, you get no apology from me. You asked for it. So, we were supposed to be happy dressed as pigs.I must say that was the one time I really questioned if this was the right forever family for me. I don't think anything can be as bad as a pig suit.
Oh yes... ask momma and she will tell you that our costumes won flea treatments for White Cottage residents... I just see it as an itch trade. We itched so they did not have to. Not worth it to me...
I have to warn Wendy and JD-- Halloween. We have been through wings, angels, devils, bees, pirates, witches, pigs... [it is like the plagues...] what next??? We will have to be extra vigilant this year. We need to be in full riot mode if and when momma "tries" any costume on us... -0- tolerance... We have to be firm, united, strong... SHE MUST GET THE MESSAGE.
WE ARE NOT DRESS UP TOYS!
PS. VOTE please, distract her!