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Thursday, November 10, 2011

Reality check

So, the last post was a video of a Frenchie trying to play with a horse. So many of you were really taken but the apparent fun that an encounter like that might provide. Like you, I would have thought the same thing. Like you, I  would have become sullen at the perceived missed opportunities and I would have resented momma just a tiny bit for not affording me the chance and such fun. BUT, unlike you, I have a crazy momma. And in the interest of full disclosure, I am about to drop some free knowledge on you that will make you re-think any romantic notion you might have of striking up a close friendship with a horse. Yes, world, I am sharing from REAL life experience.

It was a sunny, gorgeous day in  spring. Keep in mind, I said the knowledge is free, but admission to this lecture has a price.  Keep reading . Don't wrinkle your nose at my "creative writing process". Reading that is THE price you are paying for that FREE knowledge.  Now let's move on.

The warmth of the sun compensated for the cool breezes and the frenzied activities of mother nature around you made you feel as if the universe was engaged in the common goal of renewal. Ahh Spring... I kept hearing "spring has sprung, the grass is risen oh when oh when will I get out of prison?" Is that a song??? Daddy???

Back to this story.  In an uncharacteristic gesture, momma vacated her morning schedule and offered up a walk. Yea, I know. A real, honest to goodness  WALK. Leash and all.  She actually went a step further. She gathered up the apples on the counter that
looked a bit pruny and she informed us that we were going to meet some horses.

Obviously an announcement like that creates lots of excitement. I must admit I was besides
myself. I must have barked ten million questions. "Horse?  What's a horse? How many legs
does it have? What does it eat? Where does it live? Does horse have any other name? Does it
wear a collar? How big is it? Does it like dogs? What kind of treats does it get and will it
share?? Is it pretty? What color is it? Does it have a tail?  Does it speak dog? 
Can it rub my belly? Does it know that I am a beautiful Bichon? Does it know that I have been
on TV and everything? Does horse know about TBFR? Does it go to a groomer? Does it ride in a car? Does it share toys? ...."

I could barely get one question out that 25 more would pop into my head. Wendy's reaction to
my excitement is to howl stuff like "Oh my, oh my...." you get it... useless. Completely useless.  JD did say he had met  "a"  horse at the boardwalk. He said that the
creature was not friendly, but then again, it was "on patrol" and it had a human on its back. I could not even picture that. Ick.  A human on your back... how bizarre...

Well, after the usual machinations and compromises, our harnesses were on, our leashes in
place and momma did her final check -tissue, duty bags, phone, keys- and off we finally went.

The first part of the walk was like always. Fun, busy, lots to mark, and lots to sniff. But
unlike "always" we ventured past the railroad all the way to the turnpike...past the fruit stand and...past the chickens and cow place. Finally, as we approached this strange looking
house which later I would learn it's a "barn",  we spotted what JD identified to be
HORSES. As in many many horses... Some naked, some wearing blankets, all four legged, definitely more like me and less like humans. I was so excited to meet them!
Well,  I was very excited. At first. That excitement was tempered considerably as I realized that those HORSES were getting bigger and bigger as we got closer and closer. Interestingly, all my questions were forgotten, except for one..."Do they eat dogs?"  JD assured me that they did not eat dogs. "They are vegetarians" he assured me. Imagine that,
teeth like that and it only eats veggies... wow.

Finally, we stopped by the fence, us on one side, the horses on the other and there we stood
sizing up each other. Huge. That's all I could say about horses. Ok that's not true. The
smell. At first I was embarrassed and annoyed at the smell. I thought it came from JD and I
did not want the horses to think badly of moi. I gave JD a dirty look and he countered with a "Not me, them." And you know what? That smell DID come from THEM.  EW. Seriously EEEEEEWWWW. They look pretty and shiny and combed, and one had it's tail all braided. But ...
me thinks they have never met a good coconut shampoo or a fresh rain cream rinse.

I was just getting over the smell, [the winds had actually shifted, thank goodness] when momma started feeding them the pruny apples, which they loved. Can I point something out? One, the apples were not even peeled... and two...there was no smoked cheese. Nuff said. Un---civilized...

We had all decided to "endure" this visit for momma's sake. She seemed genuinely engaged in brokering some sort of relationship between the horses and us. Until. OK. I need to find an acceptable manner of expression to convey what happened next.

[Here I am 24 hours later and no closer to any polite way of saying what happened.... so here goes nothing]

Without batting an eye, one of the speckled horses came by the fence and started raining pee...OMD... Gag....and before I could even react... yuh it started dropping pooh. Huge amounts of smelly pooh. Enough to bury someone in it. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Even now, recalling that moment makes me queasy and I wrinkle my nose. Clearly  horses have NO manners. Do they not know about pee pads? Or not eating while you pooh? Gross.

We could not take it anymore. JD pulled on momma's leash end and started her walking.  [I think she was grateful someone took the lead and had enough initiative to walk away.]

Now, while a chance encounter with a horse might seem fun, be aware that they rain pee and can bury you in pooh. Always keep a fence between you and horse. And don't let the excitement of a Frenchie led you to a different conclusion. Oh and on that human riding horse bit. I get it.  I would be ok with being on top where I would have a chance at staying dry and clean... vs underneath ....

And that's my reality check.
'vie

PS if you are  a horse and you are reading this...GET A CLUE!!!!  GET A BATH!!!

4 comments:

rocky-dog said...

Hi Silvie, I found this post rather interesting. I asked mama about horses. She said that she's actually sort of afraid of them -- they are too big for her. Nuff said, if mama is uncomfortable, I am uncomfortable. Mama says while she has never sat on a horse, she did ride a MULE, which from what I understand, is like a horse except different????? She said she rode the mule (ewwwww) down to the bottom of something called a grand canyon????? Mama says mules rain pee and pooh whereever too. Mama said she has also ridden on an efalent in someplace named bangcock. She told me that efalents REALLY rain pee and pooh and their pooh is big enough to bury a great dane, not just a bichon. I'm totally not sure why a 2legged would even bother to put themselves in a position where they could get rained on by a big 4leggeds pee! Thank you, but no thank you say I. Mama says she will try to find the picture of her on the efalent -- she said you might not believe that one unless you actually see it! I've seen it, it was a BOL funny moment!

Rocky

Marshmallow said...

Silvie, thank you for the reality check. I did think playing with a horse sounded fun, but not anymore. Ick! If they stink, why doesn't their mama give them a bath?! Do they even have a mama and a daddy?! And I won't get into the questionable bathroom habits you mentioned. Ick again! How rude! (And, Rocky, my mama's a little afraid of them too--something about too big and a long way down if you fall off)

Foley Monster and Pocket said...

Now that's just good horse sense

bichonpawz said...

Mama is on the floor...laughing her head off and muttering something about the fact that Silvie ought to write a book!!! Seriously...this IS a funny story...from her perspective! This post deserves an award!!! We are insanely glad that we have never met one of those creatures!!
xoxo Chloe and LadyBug