Please stand and introduce yourself like this:
"Good Evening. My name is ______ and I AM a dogaddict
I would like to welcome all of you to this month's meeting of "Dogaddict Anonymous". For some of you, this first step was forced on you by a friend or relative [probably a cat lover...] Maybe your attendance is all part of an intervention. I know that many if not most of you think you are ok and that you don't need support. Addictions are hard to admit and deal with, but we are here to help you.
So, let's start by taking a simple test. I am going to ask a few questions. Three or more yes answers mean that you are are in the right place and we can help you.
- When naming family members do you name your dogs first?
- Is the word Bitch a normal part of your vocabulary without vernacular connotation? In other words you use it properly?
- Did you buy your car based on the comfort level of your dogs?
- Do you have more than one car? One for you and one for the dogs?
- Do you spend your vacations and holidays going to seminars, shows, specialties, and dog events?
- When you finally go on a cruise do you spend hours folding your towels to resemble your dogs?
- Is your idea of a European vacation a trip to London, in March, to attend Crufts?
- Do you discuss things, noises, color consistency of bodily excrements etc, at any time, anywhere with ease even if the discussion would make most coroners leave in disgust?
- Do you instantly understand the meaning of the "Blarbs? UrKa Gurgas... Splats"?
- Does your interior design focus on washability, wearability, stain resistance and wipeability?
- Do you dress for dog comfort?
- Do you own one or more pairs of socks with pictures of dogs, or one of more T shirts with picture of dogs...or one or more bags with picture of dogs?
- Do you "invest" in dog jewelery?
- Do you spend more on your dog's outfit than you do on yours?
- Do you consider carpeting a decorating fail?
- Do your decorating color choices match your dogs?
- Do you consider crates with privacy cloths as end tables?
- If these letters mean anything to you... CD, CDX, UD, CGC, HIC, WC, JH, MH, CH, and OTCH... give yourself 3 points
- Is your mail all about dog catalogs, dog magazines, and premium lists?
- Do you actually get up before dawn to a. walk the dogs, b.go to Training Classes c.go to Dog Shows, d. Seminars. e. rescue bake sale...???
- Do you make clothing choices based on pockets?
- Do those pockets hold treats and toys for your dogs?
- Do you make your hair coloring appointments only after you make the grooming arrangements?
- Do you cook for your dogs, but make do with a sandwich for yourself?
- When you meet a new person do you always ask them what kind of dog they have?
- If they have no dog, do you pity them and wonder why they don't?
- Do you remember the name of a person's dog sooner than you remember the person?
- Do you choose your doctor, lawyer, etc, based on the fact that they have a pet?
- Do you find non-dog people vapid?
- Is your world divided in two: DOG OWNERS and ... the rest of them?
If you answered YES to two, you are in deep
If you answered YES to three or more, you are officially welcomed here- You have come to the right place.
All those with one yes, please leave.
All those with 2, move to the back of the room.
All those with 3 or more yes answers..... WELCOME, come forward, you are chosen people.
Look at each other, smile, and be smug in the knowledge that you live a rich, meaningful life filled with joy and unconditional love. Some addictions are good.
I come from a family of DOGADDICTS.