Thursday, August 11, 2011

Color me BLUE

Blue. Color me blue. That's how I feel. Last night, I cuddled momma while she was on her puter. I get wonderful belly rubs while she catches up with her e mails and the news. [You just have to be careful when she is reading the news. Sometimes her fingers react to it and it might translate as a fur grab. Not so pleasant. Then there is that other issue. Momma talks to the news she reads. Yes, seriously. She "talks"... Some articles she praises, some she dams... and here is the other interesting thing, she reads a lot of foreign newspapers. Of course she will talk to those articles in the language they are written in.  Are you visualizing this?  It is quite bizarre. Well, when in her words "the eyes start popping out of her head" [Has that really ever happened to a human?] she will move on from the news and go for other genre. It sounds all so innocent. Yes, bizarre, but innocent, no?

Well NO. Innocent it is NOT. 

I had fallen asleep for maybe 3 -4 minutes or maybe 20, I don't know, I was asleep. But when I woke up,  I realized that momma was getting herself a drink of water and on her screen was an unfamiliar program.  I quietly moved in closer to the screen and focused.

"Human to Canine Pairing Software" Doggelganger


She is...cheating on us me? This is like some perverse match service? Oh that last bite of my dinner suddenly turned to lead in my belly and my emotional world starting imploding like a bad souffle.

I froze. I could not process what I was seeing because I was emotionally overwhelmed.
Not knowing what to do I decided to pretend I was asleep,  watch was was going on, learn. I am cute, but I am not stupid, I need more information and this is the best way to get it. It took everything in my perfect body to suppress my emotions and not react.

Momma sat back down, put her glass of water down, and started scrolling down the web page. Her left hand on my belly rubbing gently. For some reason it did not feel good. It felt annoying and artificial. It felt betrayal.  I took a deep breath, and watched as momma uploaded a picture of herself.  Her face. She then resized it to fit into the software face mapping grid.
I never even saw that picture before... Does this woman have a secret life????

Within seconds, the software engaged into the search and pairing mode.

It plays music. I have to tell you that the stupid music and artificial computer soothing voice had the exact opposite effect on me.  I was NOT being soothed. The only thing that kept me immobile was the weight of ten gizillion thoughts went through my head, but all could be summarized in 3 letters. W -H-Y?  Why?  Why is she doing this. And why suddenly every Tammy Wynette song is playing in my head?

Why is my momma, the woman I have given all my love to and I have entrusted with my fragile, pure, loving heart, why is she CHEATING on me? Did I lick her elbow one too many times? [She hates that]... Did I not cuddle her enough? Did I not give her enough belly access?
Is it because I occasionally want to snuggle The Wendy? Is this because I licked the marmite off her toast and she did not realize it until after she took a bite? OMG, I wonder if this is because of that laundry incident... But ... I was ... a baby.  I didn't know that chewing your momma's freshly laundered unmentionables was not acceptable... And chewing tine holes in 1200 count sheets is also not acceptable, But I had to learn all that. She can't be carrying a grudge for that. It was eons ago!  Wait, maybe this all has to do with my issues with sitting in my car seat as opposed to sitting up front next to momma. I know that she is very bothered by that. Maybe it is the right of first refusal that I practice when she puts my dinner down. You know, refuse any first offering and hold out in case...something better is presented. Most times, like 98% of the time I eat my dinner without issue. But first refusal is a time honored tradition.... No it has got to be something else that triggered this, but why is she doing it?

My introspective review was interrupted by a music change and the sudden appearance of a canine face. Deep breath. Not even a Bichon. She is also a breed traitor. Nothing personal dude, but if I can't make her happy.... you won't either.  Looking. Honest assessment. This dog is at best a 4. I am a 9.  I need to get groomed and I need new ribbons to be a perfect 10 again. This dog she is "being paired with"... is a 4 .   So.... it's not looks.

OMD. Is it because I just turned 5? Is she looking for some younger dog? How pathetically cliche`.   Momma as a youth vampire. My heart would be beyond broken it would be pulverized.

She looked at the dog on the screen, she tilted her head and she chuckled. Then, she turned off her puter, picked me up, and took me to bed. Kissed me good night, did the same with JD and the Wendy , turned off the light and went to sleep. Just like that. Like nothing happened.  And there inches away I was drowning in my own sadness, trying to process what I had just witnessed and trying to figure out how I was going to tell The Wendy and JD.

This morning momma did everything she does every morning. I am looking for clues in her behavior. I have not told JD or Wendy anything yet, I am BLUE.  Numb and aching at the same time. But I do have a plan.  I just need access to her puter. I need to do do some research. I want to review her browser history, see for myself how long this has been going on etc etc.
I will do all that when she goes to the post office. Until then I am listening to Fade to Black and just seething.

BLUE 'vie


Marshmallow said...

Oh Silvie, I wouldn't worry. Your mama adores you. She NEEDS you! I'm sure this is just some silly thing for 2-leggeds. You know how amused they get with stupid stuff sometimes. Your mama would never replace you; you are perfect! xoxo, Marshmallow

Anonymous said...

Silvie, just tried this and it just turns a pic of a human into a dog. wouldn't let Mom do it so she used Keyda and it turned her into s fox terrier! Funny I think she is more like a rat terrier.

rocky-dog said...

Hey 'vie, I wouldn't worry too much. Your mama is devoted to you. Have you considered that perhaps your mama was asked by a friend to "vote" for their 4legged in a contest??? I know my mama gets asked to do this on an almost regular basis. She does not enter me into contests because she has told my I'm first place already -- I don't need any badges or anything to prove it. But, just for example, our MaryLou (mama's volunteer here at the theatre) and her husband have a service dog named Kovin. MaryLou's husband can't walk and has trouble moving his arms so Kovin does cool stuff, like picking things up or opening doors or turning on light switches (Kovin is tall enough to reach light switches!) Anyway, I digress. Kovin was being sponsored in a contest for service dogs. MaryLou asked mama to vote for him. But we looked at the other dogs who were also in the contest -- to check out the competition so to speak. So maybe your mama was doing something like that. Perhaps instead of being blue, you should sit your mama down and ASK her (politely of course) WHY exactly was she looking at other dogs on-line. I'm sure there is probably a perfectly good explanation. Just remember, you and The Wendy and JD are the TOP DOGS in your family!

Kolchak Puggle said...

Oh Vie my sweet, don't worry your pretty little head about it! That is just silly software for silly humans. They try it out and then they laugh because the little dogs they have chosen (ie. YOU) are far more perfect than any "face matching" software could ever pick! If anything, she will appreciate you more because this has shown her that you are indeed her perfect match. I bet you get a special supper out of it. Or you *should* anyways!