I need to vent. No. I need to get on my soapbox and really address the stooped hooman tricks problems. Once and for all, I need to shed light on this and maybe force some evolutionary changes.
'Cause... It's about time!
Number 10 on the countdown list...
10. Back off, back off, back off...stop cleaning my eyes every 12 seconds. It does not change my allergies. It does change how I feel about you. Do you want me to avoid you? Keep obsessing over my eye goo and I will be going else where for my belly rubs. I have options, you know, I have a nonna. I have a Dowi, and I have an Adam. I also have a daddy. Like I said. I have options.
9. Ringing the doorbell and pretending uncle Phil is visiting, when he is not... Is obnoxious. If you really want me to come downstairs, try asking me nicely to come downstairs.
8. Telling us that there is a big woof (Dog) walking around, and getting us all riled up at the windows, when there is NOTHING there, just because you want to make the bed...is horrible. Mornings should not start before 8 am. Six am is too early to wake up and get evicted from the bed. We have decided that you either need glasses...or you are losing your mind...or you are getting to be a liar and as soon as I locate matches, your pants will be on fire.
7. I don't care how well you wrap, trap, bury, hide, stash, mash, hash, whip, encrypt...pills in meatballs, bits of cheese, hot dogs, ham, mortadella, prosciutto...whatever...I WILL FIND THAT PILL. I will make damn sure I will NOT eat that pill and maybe I will never eat your delivery device again either. My name is NOT MAX.
6. Adam YOU DO NOT HAVE MY NOSE. You will never have my nose, or my tail, or my teethies. STOP telling me you do.
5. Putting a lid on your water glass in the car is RUDE, crude and mean. Daddy and momma, don't
you know how to share? You are supposed to share. I have never stopped either of you from taking a sip from my water bowl. That stooooooped lid means I have to go all the way down and find my bowl and take a sip...
4. The flashing camera... I move the U.S. Legislature to create a national guideline paparazzi standard. Create safe zones and safe time periods where and when a camera cannot be operated. I am getting tired of sleeping in camera ready mode. OCD momma and her dang cell phone, camera, I pad are always ready to strike...two words you need to look up momma...PRIVACY...BOUNDARIES. Three words...add RESPECT.
3. Ugly hooooman rags. Keep them. Do not drape them on me. I only want to wear what I choose to wear. Respect me and respect my taste. Respect my doghood.
2. No more wipes. I hate wipes. I hate being wiped after breakfast, dinner, walks. Fine. You can wipe my feet. You can wipe my tushy but the face is Off Limit!
Drumroll, please...here comes my number one stoooopid hoooman trick...
1. Invoking the name of Auntie Robin in vain. You use her name like a crazed mobster uses an empty gun. Taking it out and waiving it in the air anytime you think you need to make a point. Get this momma, I'm not scared of the auntie Robin. I don't fear going back to rescue. It ain't happening. Evah. I had talks with various sources. I know better, so stop invoking The Robin. It is an empty trick.
SNORT. Sniff, getting off the soap box.
I am tired, and cranky...'Vie